My Blog Has Been Moved!

So I decided that I wanted to play with the big boys, so I went and got a WordPress Blog. You can see it here:

http://JimValeri.com

Easy right? Its updated twice a week every Monday and Thursday. Tell your friends and have a great day!

Jim

How to know when your anxiety is affecting your work.

There are a lot of people out there unemployed, and a lot of them have been having trouble finding work (which is anxiety inducing as it stands). However, there are some of us out there who are still working, and the situation can be tense. Some are concerned about their job and how they're going to keep it. Some fear getting the boss angry, because that one day could be their last.

Here are some surefire ways to know that anxiety is getting the better of you at your job:

1. You work extra hours when your boss asks, because you don't want him/her to get upset and fire you.

2. Simple tasks seem that much more difficult, because you're worried that if you get it wrong, you could get fired.

3. The company downsizes, so as a result, you have to do someone else's job and your own. If you don't have enough time to do this, you're having trouble finding the time to do all the work you're supposed to do.

4. When you go home, you can't stop thinking about work. Its there with you when you wake up, and there with you in the wee hours of the morning, keeping you from sleeping.

Sound familiar? Have I missed something? Is there soemthing at your job that is causing you anxiety that is not listed above? Comments welcome!

My Free Ebook Has Been Released!

OK, so this is my first Ebook, and I'm a little nervous about it, because I want to make sure you get the information quickly and easily. See that box to the right? Just put in your name and email and you'll get it. Please let me know if you run into any troubles getting it, and I will make sure you get it as soon as possible.

However, I am also very excited about it, as I think it is a valuable tool for managing anxiety, as I've used it myself on many occasions. I hope you use it as well. Please, feel free to comment here and let me know what your thoughts are about it.

Regards,

Jim Valeri, LMHC

http://jim.newhopecounselingonline.com/

All This Technology, and Communication is Still Difficult

One of the key issues that I manage with the couples is communication. I can't tell you how many of us have this as a core issue. Sometimes I think that people who can speak the same language often take this for granted, and as a result, believe that all they have to do is talk to someone and they're communicating. If that were the case, I would have half the clients I have. So what is the key issue here?

Communication, like anything else is an art. Think about the way we communicate here on the magical internet. We have abbreviations for text messages, and we have websites and abbreviations for them. We have cell phones and email and Twitter, Social Networking sites and emoticons and all the frills you could possibly think of to communicate how you're feeling, what you're doing, and who you're feeling and doing things with.

Yet communication still seems to be a big issue for people. Just today I joked around with a friend of mine, and he was offended at what I said. I didn't mean anything negative by it, but he read it the wrong way. So anyone can be affected by this.

So how can we make sure that we are saying what we really want to say. Here are some ideas:

1. Be as clear as you can: Don't assume people know what you mean...be specific.
2. Watch your tone: How many times have you said something and the other person misunderstood. This could be why.
3. Listen to what the other person is saying.
4. Manage your feelings about what the other person is saying (for example, think about words/actions that make you mad, and then manage your feelings about it).
5. Respond thoughtfully and without name callilng. This is a big one.

Sounds simple, right? OK, let's make it easier:

Tone: Watch This
Address your feelings and respond thoughtfully
Listen to what the other person is saying.
Klarity in what you say: OK, this starts with a "C", but you get the idea, right?

I find acronyms to be helpful, so maybe you can use this one. Have you improved your communication? If so how? Leave a comment and give some suggestions!

www.NewHopeCounselingOnline.com

Dreams Don't Leave Breadcrumbs to Follow.

I recently thought about the idea of people "Following After Their Dreams." Remember when you were in school, and your teachers told you this? If you have a dream, then just follow after it, and it will come true! Its a cute theme, and it follows with the whole Disney idea, that dreams come true if you want them to badly enough. I like the idea, but there's just one problem:

Dreams don't leave a trail of breadcrumbs for you to follow.

In fact, the funny thing about dreams (at least in the daydreaming sense), is that they only really give you the cool stuff. You know, the end game. It is you imagining what life is going to be like once you achieve that dream.

The reason why dreams don't leave breadcrumbs? Because those breadcrumbs can be full of difficulty, hardship, tough choices, and even some pain. Dreams want you to follow them, but they don't want you to get discouraged along the way. So they touch our thoughts from time to time, hoping that somehow, we will seek them out even without a trail to follow.

The key to making your dreams come true is not just wanting them. Its seeking them out where they seem most likely to be found, and then taking the time to find them and make them real. Its not easy making a dream come true, and it is a lot of hard work and planning; but don't lose heart on the trail to your dream, merely remind yourself that when each hardship or roadblock stands in your way, it is there to make you stronger so you are ready and able to make that dream a reality.

www.NewHopeConselingOnline.com

Scared of Raising Your Kids?

I've been thinking a lot this week about how to help people raise their kids. I really can't sit here and say I know what its like to raise kids, because I don't have any. Still, I do know a bit about behavior modification, and I've helped parents with problem children turn their child's behavior around.

But then I started thinking about the parents that know what they need to do, and don't do it because they're afraid to. Then I started thinking "How did this happen?" I started going through decades in my mind, and I realized that something very interesting happened over the course of the last 30 years or so.

Parents got scared of their kids.

"Why is that?" I asked myself. I knew the answer right away. Parents used to be able to hit their children when they got out of hand. The laws changed, and I'm glad they did, because adults who hit children are spineless wimps, but it occurred to me that parents today may have been raised with "spare the rod, spoil the child" mode of parenting.

Which means that if you can't use the method you were raised with, how do you parent your children without hitting them?

And this, I believe is the crux of the matter. I think a lot of parents are afraid because they don't know what to do and how to handle the stuff that kids are throwing at them. You wanna know what's worse?

Kids know you're afraid, and they use it to their advantage. They know you won't hit them, so what's the worst you could do? In fact, a lot of manipulative kids know that the worst that you can do, is nothing compared to the worst THEY can do. Think about anything you could take away from them, and then think about all the fragile stuff in the house they can break. See what I mean?

Now granted, not all kids are like this. There are some well behaved kids who act up every now and then, but those aren't the kids I usually work with. So here are some ways to tell if your kid is the kind of kid who is pushing limits (this goes for children over 6 and teenagers alike).

1. Gets verbally abusive with you and others.
2. Pushes your boundaries, then gets upset when you get upset about it.
3. Tries to change what you "said" about an issue. Attempts to confuse you about what you said and what you didn't.
4. Tries to manipulate rules you set up, hoping that your boundaries are really just rules made for bending.
5. Doesn't care about your consequences, no matter what you take away from them.

See, children are human beings like you and me, and as much as we love them, they still need guidance. I've seen many a parent struggle with this, because they don't want to see their children upset, or they want to give their kids everything they didn't have. Unfortunately, raising children is not about you feeling better about their lives; its about raising them to make good choices and keep the circle of life going with law abiding citizens.

I hate to make it so scientific, and having and raising children is one of the greatest and toughest jobs on the planet. Loving children is the first part of parenting, and most parents do fairly well here. Its the raising them to do the right thing that makes it hard. It is the challenge you must rise to as a parent.

Are you ready to meet that challenge?

If so, respond to this post! If not....respond to this post! :)

http://www.NewHopeCounselingOnline.com/

The Glass is Half Empty and Half Full

I'm sure you've heard this one before: "Are you a glass-half-empty kind of person, or a glass-half-full kind of person?" As if there are only two types of people in the world, and that we are supposed to be judged that way. I was thinking about this analogy today and I thought about something scientific (as I tend to do, you should see how I talk teens out of having sex..."swapping fluids" I believe is the term), and something occurred to me that I always knew, but never really thought of before.

The glass is both half empty and half full.

You can't just say that the glass is half empty and leave it at that. In order to acknowledge that the glass is half full, or half empty, you, by default, acknowledge the fullness or emptyness of said glass. This means that there is another side, otherwise, the glass would be completely empty, or completely full.

Now of course, you can start saying, "well, then in that case, the glass is completely empty, or completely full." OK, fine...but now you're just avoiding the idea that there is an opposite to whatever side you tend to go with.

The point is that you can be amazingly positive and miss the problems you have that need fixing. You can stare all you want at the portion of the glass that's half full, but in order for it to be "half" there has to be another half. Same goes with the negative piece. You can look at the empty space that comprises the negative elements of your life, but in order for them to be negative at all, there has to be something positive that balances that out.

I guess what I'm trying to say is this: Take a look at both. One can not exist without the other. Don't be so caught up in being positive that you miss the boat on reality. Don't be so negative that you miss what's good about you. Both of these are necessary for balance in life, a yin yang if you will. Without them, life is the same...all the time...with no changes in sight.