"Life is short. Have an Affair?"

That's basically what AshleyMadison.com is advertising. There are a lot of people who are bent out of shape about its unabashed, completely straightforward approach which seems to say, "Yes you are married. Yes you can have an affair. Here, let's help you have one."

Now on the one hand, I ask this question: What's new here? People have been using social networking sites to have affairs since they've been in existence, so how is this any different, other than its bold statements and "Affair Guarantee." If Match.com and eHarmony.com can make money getting people together, why can't this site make money breaking relationships apart?

On the other hand, just because people have been having affairs, doesn't mean you should encourage or help them along in doing so. Their slogan "Life is short. Have an affair." is an imperative statement (meaning giving you an order, like "Listen!"). Its one thing if a site is up, and its there for anyone to access and connect with people at their discretion. For example, you can't blame Facebook or Myspace for being the cause of people having affairs, because it is the person making the decision to do so. This site, on the other hand, encourages an affair, and guarantees you one for the low, low cost of $249.

So this raises another question: If you tell someone to have an affair, and they do, is it your fault that they have an affair, or are human beings responsible for their own actions? Its like asking the question: Do guns kill people, or do people kill people?

The bottom line here is morals and values. What are your core beliefs about love? About relationships? About marriage? About sex? Do you believe your relationship will work, or is it bound to fail like all the others?

I am a firm believer that life is what you make it to be, including relationships and yes, sex. If you're truly unhappy with your relationship, then start talking to your significant other about it. If you want to slap that person in the face for your own selfish reasons, be my guest, but you probably won't learn from your relationship experience, and it may be that you'll end up getting in and out of relationships for the rest of your life. Your call.

www.NewHopeCounselingOnline.com

A Parent's Worst Nightmare

Children look to us to make good choices, and help them understand themselves, their feelings, and the purpose in life. It saddens me to see stories like this one surface about an 8 year old boy who shot his father, and a man who rented a room from his father.:

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/27600105/

The story goes on to say that it is unclear as to whether or not the child was abused. It also states that the murders were pre-meditated. This stands to raise a few questions:

Was it nature or nurture? Was this child sociopathic, or did he feel trapped, with no way out other than to end these lives? If he was not a sociopath, what drove him to do what most adults would have trouble doing? Until we know the truth, I suppose we could speculate all day.

I call this a parent's worst nightmare, because the idea of raising children is to do your best to ensure that they are safe, but also that they don't make terrible choices they will live to regret. At least that's my impression of what raising a healthy child should be.

I would encourage most parents who have a bleak outlook on their child's future, to think about this case in context with your own child's life. Remember, you're still alive, and when compared to this case, that counts for something. It means that as long as you can develop a relationship with your child, perhaps there is hope for them to become happy, healthy and making good choices.

Jim
www.NewHopeCounselingOnline.com

TV Sexual Content = Teen Sexual Behavior?

The LA Times Reported today that the RAND Corporation did a study on teen sexual behavior, and apparently these are the findings:

"The teens who watched the most sexual content on TV (the 90th percentile) were twice as likely to have become pregnant or caused a pregnancy compared to the teens who watched the least amount of sexual content on TV (the 10th percentile)."

The full article here:

http://latimesblogs.latimes.com/booster_shots/2008/11/sexual-content.html

Perhaps it is time to pay a bit more attention to what kids are watching and how it affects their behavior. Certain shows may seem harmless, but perhaps they are getting their social cues for what is "normal sexual behavior" from these shows. I encourage parents to engage their teens in discussion about sex and the possible pitfalls that they may not be ready for. The television shows certainly don't seem interested in showing them, and its not their job to do so anyway.

www.NewHopeCounselingOnline.com

"I don't have to tell you things are bad..."

The words of Howard Beale seem to ring true even today, even though the movie "Network" was released over 30 years ago. "I don't have to tell you things are bad, everyone knows they're bad."



Now I do agree on one thing, that in order for things to change, you've got to get mad. Or scared, or concerned, or frustrated. Why? Because in my experience, people don't change unless they are uncomfortable. Think about it. If you were comfortable, why would you want anything to change? Sure you could make things more comfortable, but really, why risk it? People only seem motivated toward change when we are uncomfortable.

I'd encourage you to focus in on areas that are in your control during this tough financial time. A lot of people I come in contact with are scared, confused, and uncertain about how to spend their money, and what lies ahead with the upcoming election. If you keep a cool head about you, and stay focused on your locus of control, it may be that all the things that could make you mad or fearful, could just be your fuel to you moving on what's in your control.

www.NewHopeCounselingOnline.com

Seasonal Affective Disorder...Does the Weather Control Your Emotions?

This is about the time of year that therapists call "the busy season." This is especially busy for me in New England, as once the weather gets colder and the leaves start to turn, so also do people's emotional state.

Its such an amazing conundrum, and I marvel at how many people feel really down this time of year. This sort of thing is referred to here as "Seasonal Affective Disorder." Its a fancy way of saying people's moods change with the seasons.

Do you fit in this category? Do the seasons change and suddenly you find your moods changing as well? What do you do about it? How do you manage your feelings?

It might be good to ask yourself "How much power am I giving to the weather?" Think about this. The weather is in the pile of stuff you can't control, and yet, you hand over your emotional state to this immovable force. Sounds kind of silly when you think about it, but it really is a big deal for a lot of people.

If this is you, ask yourself what changes with the weather other than the weather. You're still you, and no matter what your situation is, you still control you, which means your emotional state and thoughts.

Change is part of life, and seasons are part of change. I encourage you to think about how you can adjust to this change, and still move forward regardless of what the seasons hold for us.

www.NewHopeCounselingOnline.com

Things Not Going Your Way...Even for a Counselor!

I go on a lot about things not going your way, and how to handle it.

Then something didn't go my way today, and I really felt the burn of disappointment. I tried all the methods I could to try to reduce being upset, but I just couldn't shake it. Something was up.

I realized it takes a bit more dedication to practice what you preach when things don't go your way. As I sat and took a deep breath, I realized that all the things I was upset about were things I couldn't control...at least not right now.

It took me a bit to manage the problem, but I was finally able to refocus.

I guess my point is, despite all my training and knowledge and whatnot, even I have my off days. I think the key was to not let the rest of the day escape me because something didn't go my way earlier that day.

And it didn't. Life went on, and so did I. Its like going over a speed bump. When you go over it, its unpleasant, but you don't stay on the bump, you keep moving.

www.NewHopeCounselingOnline.com

Bad Things Happen....How Can We Use Them?

Positive thinking is good, but when really bad stuff happens: the death of a loved one, the loss of a job, a marriage broken, a friendship lost; how do we get through these difficult times and make things better?

One way is to ask yourself this question: "How can I use this?"

Sounds selfish at first, but the design of the question is to get you thinking about how you can improve the way you feel and change your focus. Remember how your focus determines your reality? Well, by changing your focus to how you can use a tradgedy to move forward with your life and affect yourself and others in a positive way, you can take the pain of the loss and use it to grow and help others who have gone through similar circumstances.

This happened to me when I went through a really nasty breakup years ago. The pain I felt took over a year to get through. But when I decided to take my life back, and start thinking about how I could use this, I realized that so many of my clients went through similar situations or worse! SoI was able to use the tradgedy to empathize with others who went through similar tradgedies and I was able to help them through it.

I look back on that situation now and all the pain I went through, and I honestly don't regret the experience at all. It may be that once you're through your difficult experience, and use it to empower yourself, you may end up feeling the same way: that it was hard, and difficult, but through that bad experience...

...I grew as a person. I encourage you to think about how you can grow from your bad experiences as well. From personal experience, I don't think you'll regret it. :)


Jim Valeri, LMHC
http://www.newhopecounselingonline.com/

Want to change how you feel? Change how you think!

A lot of people come to therapy looking to change how they feel. In fact, a large percentage of people who seek therapy are looking to manage feelings of depression or Anxiety. Are you one of these people? What do you think determines how you feel on a daily basis? A lot of people blame their family, their job or their situation. Some people just feel as though its how they're supposed to feel and don't believe they can make changes at all.

This is where I challenge people to look beyond their feelings and think about what they are really saying to themselves. Think about what you say to yourself every day. Is this not how you think about yourself and the world around you? Now think about how each of those thoughts makes you feel. See how thoughts and feelings are connected?

A good way to try this is think about something that makes you happy. Just from that statement you're excercising the ability to change your mood, merely by thinking about a happy moment in your life.

What if you thought about something that made you happy every time you felt depressed or anxious? Imagine how that could change the way you think, and ultimately, the way you feel!

www.NewHopeCounselingOnline.com

Your Focus Determines Your Reality!

Ever have a bad day? Ever wonder what made it so bad? I know from my own experience that I tend to judge my day based on whether or not something good has happened to me that day. Sounds kind of like playing the lottery doesn't it? If you're lucky enough to have good things happen to you, then your day will be "good," and vice versa. The problem with this kind of thinking is what we base "good" and "bad" days on.

What if we used a different way to judge days? Based on what we did or the time we took, or even just decided to look at the positive things that happened to us that day rather than the negatives? It would change the way we look at our day, wouldn't it?

That's where focus comes in. Your focus determines your reality. Whatever you think about the things that happen to you, whatever you decide to say about your day will eventually be how you look at your day, and ultimately your life.

I encourage you to think about your day and how you see it. Maybe you just need to flip it around, and look at it from a different point of view. Maybe your day, and even your life, may not be as bad as you think or feel it may be!

www.NewHopeCounselingOnline.com

Gloucester is such a nice place to raise your kids...

Just when I think my rambling on about teen sexual activity is fodder for the mill, to my suprise (not really) another news story about teens and risky behavior arises. And this time, its local:

http://wbztv.com/local/gloucester.high.school.2.751873.html

Can I tell you how much I love the fact that people are so shocked by this? Teen fashion, music and overall culture involve sexuality, and we sort of accept it as natural development, and while many of us disagree with the sexualization of our youth, we may unfortunately accept it as part of "what's going on with kids today." However, this sort of thinking, that these kids will somehow get together and raise their kids together in some sort of commune on the government's dime is somehow calculating.

And rather ingenious, actually.

Many accept that teens are going to experiment with sex, as sort of a jaded, condescending look at the state of our culture, as if its a given. Then we get all bent out of shape when they actually meet and exceed our own expectations. Additionally, these girls had enough intelligent forethought to try to create a microgeneration of children within their community. The calculation of such a plan at the possible cost of their own sexual and developmental health is astounding, and I'm not entirely sure these teens knew exactly what they were getting themselves into.

"They're so excited to finally have someone to love them unconditionally," Amanda Ireland, 18, said. "I try to explain it's hard to feel loved when an infant is screaming to be fed at 3 a.m."

So the other 16 girls in the pact with did not love them unconditonally? Perhaps not, as maybe pregnancy was a condition of that acceptance. Either way, the fact that all of these girls were under 16, and that there seems to be some indication that some of the fathers may be over the age of 18, leaves us with the question:

What do we do about all this?

Education seems to be the first answer, obviously. But what kind of education? Who educates? Who pays for it? And of course the obvious question, where are the parents (which you can't reliably argue anyway, because this sort of thing can happen no matter what level of involvement parents have)?

The Washington Post reports:

"The birth rate rose by 3 percent between 2005 and 2006 among 15-to-19-year-old girls, after plummeting 34 percent between 1991 and 2005, the National Center for Health Statistics reported. "

We have two options. We can throw up our hands and say that this is just part of their generational difficulty, or, we can start with ourselves. We can start making choices that model for our children the kind of choices we would like them to make. Also, we can encourage our kids to talk about sex in a healthy way to their parents. If kids don't have a safe place to talk about it at home, they will likely talk to their friends about it, or look it up online, and possibly get misinformation about what being physical with someone really means. This includes possible consequences, as teens may be sold a bill of goods on only the benefits of sex and having children and not the disadvantages. Perhaps let them know that you don't want to condemn them for their choices or thinking, and that you want to help them make choices that will increase their chances of success in life.

If we give up on our children, then they will give up on themselves.

Jim Valeri, LMHC

http://www.newhopecounselingonline.com/

Keep On Keepin' On

I said this to one of my client's the other day, and she said that it really helped her keep moving, despite all the difficulties that had occurred throughout her week. This sort of thing is really easy to say, and really easy to say to someone else; but when met with the task of keeping on, I found it much harder to actually do than say.

Strangely enough, I felt a sense of unease...a level of stress that comes along, every now and then. However, I was met with a revelation. I could continue to wallow in self pity, and stay where I was, or keep moving forward, and try to find solutions to the problems at hand. And make no mistake about it...solutions to these problems are often not easy to find, and sometimes the solutions you find are not the ones you were hoping for. As a result, this can further add to an already frustrating circumstance.

Despite all this, you can't lose sight of faith and hope. If you don't have either of these things, then guess what? Your life will likely stay...hopeless and faithless. Sounds awfully difficult, doesn't it? The alternative? Keep digging. Eventually, the solution you're looking for could be closer than you think. It may take you a few tries, and I'll even admit that there are a few problems that I have yet to find the solutions for. But know this...I will keep trying to find what I need, because I have the faith the grain of a mustard seed that God will help me find the answers I'm looking for. It doesn't sounds like a whole lot of faith, but the funny thing is...far as I know...

...that's all I need.

www.NewHopeCounselingOnline.com

That's Not Fair!!

I've heard so many children say this over and over again. This course of thinking got me wondering:

Who told these children that life was fair to begin with?

Well, where does fairness come from? I suppose it comes from the idea that there is a sense of right and wrong. That much I suppose is reasonable. But that's about where it stops. See, somewhere along the line, someone told children this bizarre, idea:

"We are all unique and different, and yet we are all the same."

Huh? I don't get it. We're the same and different at the same time? Amazing!

What happens with this strange little white lie, is that children start to believe (and regretably some adults) that everyone is supposed to have the same stuff, so as a result, they start complaining to their parents about what they don't have, because their friends have (place newest, coolest item here), and they don't. Somewhere they got this idea that because the world is fair, they should have those things too. And this idea of fairness comes from the idea that we are all the same, and thus, all should have the same.

But the reality is that we are not all the same, are we? What I try to do to help children is let them know that as much as being just like everyone else is so important, we fail to forget the first part, that "we are all unique." And if the world were really fair, who would determine said fairness? What is fair or just differs between people...another thing that makes us different.

If we start telling our children now that we are not all the same...that we are different in so many ways, and that people making different amounts of money based on education and talents is a good thing, then maybe, just maybe, they'll stop wanting to be like everyone else, and they may just want to make their own mark on the world...in their own unique way!

www.NewHopeCounselingOnline.com

Taking Time Out

One of the best commercials I've seen in a long time is this IKEA commercial:



One of the great things about it is that when we think about "time outs" they are generally in negative terms. But here we have a mother setting up a sanctuary for herself, and going there when things get out of control. Now granted, its unrealistic to think you can leave misbehaving children alone by themselves for a few minutes, but the carryover translation is that she decided to take time for herself when things got chaotic.

My wife and I had a really rough last week, and usually we take the weekend to finish any unfinished chores that don't get done. But we realized that we just needed some time to recharge our batteries and put the past week behind us. So we took some time to just relax, and I was suprised at how much it helped. By Sonday morning, I was making pancakes for breakfast (I usually can't stand cooking on weekends) walking the dog, running errands, humming a tune all along.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, sometimes when you have a rough time, its good to just take a moment or two to get away and just be who you are. We all have responsibilities, but if you can't take the time to enjoy what you work so hard for, then the purpose of working gets lost along the way.

www.NewHopeCounselingOnline.com